Males, skip this.

The dumbest thing any man has ever said to me was said last week. I had just come back from my physical, and Frank had the nerve to tell me, "Well, at least you did not have to bend over."

I was in shock. How can he not know that they have far worse tortures for females than just a finger in the bum? All they do for a male, beside ordering them to cough, is stick a finger in, wiggle it, and check the prostate gland.

For a woman, they do that check for hemorrhoids. Then they get serious. You have to lie on your back, change into drafty scraps of fabric, drape a sheet over your legs so you can pretend they aren't looking at what they are looking at, and put your legs up in the air so the doc and his or her pet nurse can pay hide and go seek under the damn tent. And then they get out the equipment out of the freezer, and frankly anything they are doing down there that involves *equipment* OUGHT to frighten you. If a man ever saw a speculum pointed at him, I think he'd faint.

I thought it really funny when they showed me the newest models they have. They are made of plastic, so they are supposed to not be able to get cold. HA. And they have lights. And I can just picture some little unsuspecting kid wanting to play with the viscous biting ray gun of death... *ping* *pow* *zot* *bite* These new things are "sterile" so you know no one else has ever used them. I'm still not comforted by that fact.

Sometimes I wonder about the accessory person. Far too often they are just standing there looking more embarassed than you, and you are the one with your butt hanging off the edge of a table, with the breeze blowing over your nether regions. This last one I had was a pretty young thing who looked as if she'd never seen an untrimmed thing in her life. I blame Playboy's air brushes. I can't rent them for my close ups.

I don't know much, but I do know who ever determined that women need these things yearly was a sadistic, dirty old man. I hope he rots in Hell.  ¶ 7:11 AM