My cousin stopped in today. You remember her- she is the one who for her 40th birthday party gave herself a divorce. She watered my shoulders, but my head doesn't grow when she does that. Only my anger.

I am not angry with her. I don't think it is possible to be angry with her. My cousin has Charm and truly that and her sense of humor are her best assets. Sometimes I know she knows this. Sometimes, I am not so sure. She cannot get by with a wink and a flash of boob and saying, "Because I am pretty!" She must smile and look at you as if you were the only person in the world- because you are, when she talks to you. This is her charm.

But she has become lost somewhere between motherhood and being a wife and holding a job. The sense of fun was pushed aside for responsibility, and to a certain extent, life must be like that. I want to tell her that she pushed aside her own joy in the quest to be something everyone expected to be. I think the feminists of the 60s and 70s would be horrified at what women have become now- this superwoman who now does everything she used to do in the 1950s and before, and also has to hold a full time job. No wonder the little happy pills are so prevalent in our culture today, and if you don't have a happy pill, you have alcohol or other things, or a lot of therapy to feel guilty about being just like everyone else- stressed out and on the edge of snapping. Something has to give if an outlet isn't found.

But I don't think finding oneself on the arms of someone else isn't going to help discover oneself. It's just another drug to dull the pain, really. Complaining how this new guy is worse than the old, and thank goodness neither were her ex. I want to tell her dating across the marriage line is something she knows is stupid, but she doesn't want the obvious pointed out, so I just take her in my arms and hold her while I can. Because I can get my own needs filled by a simple hug from someone who loves me too. No, this isn't sexual. It's just simple acceptance and unconditional love.

But later, you know I will, and I will hate myself for it, when my mother calls to talk about my cousin, we will both talk about the futility of expecting anyone who is breaking their marriage vows to keep their courting promises- they made them before to someone else and broke them to you... so why do you expect them to be true? You aren't different. You aren't special. You are just you.

So just be.  ¶ 2:52 PM