OT/OOC

I was staring at the magazine articles and book titles in Wegmans this weekend. I was letting my thoughts ping around about the titles and wondering why I was even there. New Harry Potter magazines are on the rack- that means the movie must come out soon. They were the wrong sort of magazine to be talking about Daniel and Emma getting got drunk in public or shagging in a ferrarri or something like that. Mystery novels are devolving from bloody to downright charming. "My Sister's Tea." "Whispering to Witches." "The Secret Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the East." I'm pretty sure there's more involved than striped socks and ruby slippers, and that Glinda doesn't appear very good at all. But then, Good and Bad are always relative. I only think I am good, because my selfishness is all about me, and everything that supports me is therefore good. Anyone's ideals are all relative to them. We only have problems when your good is my bad, and vice versa. And when I get this philosophical, I realize I've slipped a mental disc somewhere along the way. Am I supposed to be this disjointed, or am I supposed to just get on with what I am supposed to be doing? Which also has nothing whatever to do with being in Wegmans. This is just a stop along the way. Even though every moment really is just a stop along the way.

I think my drugs are sealing off the aura that lets me know I'm having a reaction. It's good if only I deal with the little shit. But not good, if it lets the big reactions stalk me. I've had too many frigging big reactions this week. I can't cope with much, which is why I end up staring and thinking of how intimate a color green is, and maybe I should wear more gloves. I'm cutting back on one of the drugs that makes my lips numb and the pain vanish. Maybe some pain is good, so I know how to stop doing something that hurts. Maybe I need to say to hell with the gym and going out *every day*. Buy a TV for the room with the exercise bike and just work out at home. I don't know. I'm too much of an extrovert to live in this shadow, but if it's healthier, maybe I need to stay in. It's tough.  ¶ 9:17 AM