OT
Happy fucking Holidays. If you want something happier than that, go read something cheery. Go look at Kitty Overload on the right- it helps. Or Cute Overload.
I'm very very grinchy this year. Colin died last year. So did my Gram. Every home I ever spent a childhood Christmas in is now lost to me. Maybe that's why people have their mid-life crisis around my age. It finally kicks in- I'm not a child any more and there ain't no going back. Also, while watching the TV series, "Everest Beyond the Limit" one realizes hey, there's a lot I'm not going to do. Climbing Everest is certainly something I am Not going to do. It's just not happening. Even if I slimmed down 100 pounds or so and managed to find a spare $50,000 lying around.... It ain't going to happen, and I'm okay with not climbing Everest itself. But there are some personal Everests I've faced this year, and the whole thing just leaves me wallowing in depression. Which is unhealthy and it has to stop.
I'm actually proud that I did not send out holiday cards this year. I mean not a one. And the ones I did get- they all with one exception were just signed with names. What the hell am I supposed to do with them? Into the recycling bin they go. Waste of trees and ink and money, really. The people who sent me cards are going to see me on Christmas Day. WHY send me a card? Why should I send them one? And those whom I won't be seeing but still adore- they don't need a card from me to prove how much I love them. Tata, Tammy- I adore you both and wish you happy holidays. Susan, I gave you catnip toys- and that's better than a card. Anyone else reading this, be assured I sincerely hope you enjoy your holiday more than I will. And I don't think you'll miss a card.
We didn't put up Kissmoose lights. Why make our carbon footprint bigger than it is? I feel guilty about being frivilous, and I'm sick of feeling guilty. This holiday is so damn disposable- wrapping paper, ribbons, trees, fatty sweet treats nobody really needs. It's just gross. It makes me want to be a Jehovah's Witness just to turn my back on the holiday. I don't need the season to make me want to give those I love something nice. Really I don't. I wish sometimes I could be firm like Gina and declare I'm not giving any gifts to anyone over 18.
See her lovely article here. Maybe next year I'll get enough of a spine (and the funds) to give every one something for charity. Donate to Heifer or the Humane Society. But this year we made all of our gifts, and that means something more to me than just a gift card. How wonderfully personal. But then, I do adore the gift card my fabulous ex-brother-in-law got for me and have already used a third of it.
Whatever you do- don't leave the house today. It's just dangerous. Happy Suicidal Holidaze! I can't believe I plan to *drive* on Monday and Tues. But I'm hoping it will be a little safer then. Cripes! The lines at the ATMs are nuts. I'm just happy there wasn't a huge line at the Booze Shop. The grocery store on the other hand... The first line I went to... an Express Line, mind! ... the cashier's drawer jammed. The guy whose money was held hostage until the issue was fixed offered to fetch a crowbar. I politely waved off several people out of the line until it was fixed. Meanwhile the cashier in my line wearing a Barbie-pink santa hat with glitter forgot how to count, so it would have been faster for me to wait behind the really angry man. I realized when I was in line that I hadn't bought anything I needed to make Holiday Food to take with me to the Family. Right now, I'm grateful. There will already be more than enough Crap available to eat, and I do not need to add to it.
I am hoping that once I have made the pilgrimage North to the Bosom of My Family that perhaps I may have some holiday spirit. If not, I'll just have too much Holiday Spirits, paint on a happy face, and pretend I'm having a good time. I promise I won't make myself an orphan no matter how much I wish it- and if I truly do wish it, I'll just leave. I'm a grown up. I have keys to my own car. I can do that. And perhaps knowing that will give me peace. I love my family dearly. Please do not think otherwise. But there are times when I want to punch every single one of them. And I will miss my sweetie and he will miss me. He is staying home for his sanity and for our pets. The dogs will be less stressed and the cats will be less stressed and the cat will be shot on time. (she's diabetic). And my parents will get more time with Me, and after all, that's what they really want for the holiday.
I can't wait for Wednesday.
